(1) Having given my consent to Pavid's love declaration, I went home and properly lost my mind.
(2) Pavid was the most charismatic and handsome boy in our class – obviously .
(3) And indeed, Pavid and I were still pretty close friends – we sat next to each other in class, and he would show me his gluey hands, and I would repeat jokes from 'Allo 'Allo, pretending that I'd made them up myself.
(4) It almost made sense the afternoon that Pavid sent over his emissary – Andy Webster – who said: "Pavid wants to go out with you.
(5) Crushingly, it did one of those full-body shivers babies are apt to do – jerking away with its eyes boggling open – and so I stopped practising getting off with Pavid Dreen with the baby, and went and ate a whole can of tinned peaches with evaporated milk – a dish we called "Dead goldfish" – which was my stress-relieving method of choice back them.
(6) When me and my sister started writing a sitcom about teenagers, we wanted to write about all the most agonising and awful things about being a teenage girl, and my hopeless non-affair with Pavid Dreen became the basis of the first episode: there's nothing quite like a fat, bookish teenage girl who wants to be "noble", and accidentally says "forsooth!"
(7) "Pavid says it was all a joke, and yowm dumped," he said, gleefully.
(8) Pavid looked me up and down, with his edgy, handsome eyes.
(9) As you may imagine, us playing Leia and Han in the playground fuelled my obsession with Pavid to the point of mania.
(10) I let out a sad Wookiee cry – "RARRRRRGHLE" – and then spent the next six months in agony, watching Pavid and Sasha basically getting it on in space while I was sent off to "mend the hyperdrive" (stand by the big bins).
(11) Pavid, because he was the handsomest, and edgy (Have I told you how edgy he was?
(12) So his name was David Preen, but I should give him the veil of anonymity, so let's refer to him for the rest of this confessional as "Pavid Dreen".